Take the Help

I’ve observed an interesting phenomenon here.

Whenever I offer an extra something I have on hand like a bag of chips from the teacher’s resource room or an extra cookie I grabbed on the way out to the car in the morning, the person takes it. Whenever I’ve offered to lend a hand to do a chore or fix a computer issue, my help is welcomed and appreciated. Whenever I’ve suggested that our family foot the bill for a need, it’s gratefully accepted.

I’ve tried this experiment a number of times here with 100% reproducibility.

In the States, I’ve lived and breathed the “I got this” attitude for so long that it’s just a default to politely reject help and do things myself. I’ll even admit to rejecting a Little Debbie offered in good faith from someone I didn’t know well because “who knows, they probably had some angle”.

I’m no sociologist to theorize about what cultural factors produced such a difference in attitude here in Rwanda, but I am confident when I tell you that it’s quite different and real.

We took our family to Hotel Fatima to go swimming. In the states, a hotel is typically thought of as lodging first and food/entertainment secondarily. It’s the opposite here as the hotels are primarily places to eat and use their amenities. At Fatima, you pay around $3/kid and $4/adult to use the pool for as long as you’d like.

Hotel Fatima front view - Image from http://stayinrwanda.com

As the temperature varies daily between about 62F to 80F year-round, the pool doesn’t get very warm and indeed was quite cold. This first outing to the Hotel Fatima pool was with with Chelsea C. and her children, and Bekah and I had the pleasure of a simultaneous jump into the deep end with Chelsea to get the cold shock over with. (It felt somewhat appropriate given this whole experience, but I’m not poetic enough to tie that thought together well.) Not too long after we’d received the Hot Chocolates and Coffees we ordered for poolside service, a group of about 6 young men from Kigali joined us in the pool.

It was apparent that most of the group of guys didn’t know how to swim. I think only one or them (maybe two) had experience and was using very rapid Kinyarwanda to explain technique as I pieced together from his demonstrations while talking. They borrowed Mary Hope’s goggles at one point for their swimming practice. (She didn’t notice as she was having too much with the other kids.)

My point about this whole story is found in a single moment when I saw two of the guys working together. One was learning how to hold his breath and swim down to the bottom. As they were working together, they were standing there facing each other holding hands together. Grown men in their twenties holding hands helping each other learn how to swim. As the one dove under water, the other placed his hand on his head and guided him down into the pool and helped him back up. There was no apprehension or reservation about the help being provided and the help being received.

When I saw it, I thought to myself how awkward I would feel if I were in close proximity to another man and allowing him to help me in that way. I started thinking about why that was the case.

I recognize the benefits of the American spirit of individualism in me which has carried me along to the point where I’m even here to experience these life lessons. The bright contrast, though, between that individualism and the high level of cooperation here makes me realize that leaning too hard into my own abilities shuts out others from giving me the gift of their own talents and resources. Likewise, leaning too hard into reliance upon others makes me a burden to my neighbors instead of a pillar of support able to give back to them.

These little realizations are stacking up into bigger changes in who I am and who I want to be.